FuNNy JokES & ImAGes.....

DOCTOR'S ORDERS
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

“He said you're going to die," she replied.

Naked Gambling
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers..."YES! yes,! I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves..

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

More Unfunny Jokes from Mona Liza....

DuMpStEr BaBY....

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking. Firstly, I'd like to thank you for choosingMandarin Airlines. As we taxi out to the runway, please make yourself confortable, and for thoseof you sitting on the right side of the plane ... PLEASE LOOK TO YOUR LEFT"

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An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So, the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stands up and falls flat on his face. So, he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep, as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. - "So, you've been out drinking again!!" - "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. - "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

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As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body... you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.....

You fucking mosquito!

FuNnY PiCTuREs.......

JOKES FOR TODAY

2 dumb fishermen
2 dumb fishermen decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes. paul said, (Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,) Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot.... With that paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish.

Blonde in the appliance store
A blonde walks into an appliance store and says I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk replies Im sorry, we dont do business with blondes. So she stormed off back to her house and dyed her hair black. The next day, she went back to the same store and said I would like to buy that T.V. please. The store clerk, once again, replies Sorry, we dont do business with blondes. The blonde replied How did you know I was blonde? The clerk says Because thats a microwave, not a T.V.

Jose Can you See?
A man named Jose went to America to see the Yankees vs. the Red Socks. When he got the ticket, it said nosebleed section. He did not care what section he was in. Anyway, it was game day. Everyone stood for the National Anthem. When Jose got home, he said, "Mama, they made a song in America just for me." "How does it go, mijo?" "It goes Jose can you see!

But Doctor, you said...
Below are some actual quotes by doctors doing actual dictation on patients' records (with some comments by me). Could YOUR doctor sound like these? This is really scary! If I have to go to the emergency room and hear my doctor dictating like some of these, I'm going to RUN!!!

The patient denies pregnancy. (And I certainly think he should).

She does a lot of work around the house. It is kind of localized in the left buttock area.

He was not to lift or drive his car.For the last 48 hours, the patient was carrying a refrigerator up the stairs. (L-O-O-ONG stairs.)

An ultrasound was ordered on admission of the left foot. (and the patient came back to visit his foot almost evey day.)

Father is currently deceased. (So he may come back???)

She is a small-appearing elderly female. (She only appears small; she's actually 6 foot 2.)

The patient has no temperature today. (Really?? The planet Pluto has a temperature!)

The patient has a questionable cousin with colitis. (Yeah, I have a questionable cousin, too.)

She slid on some oil and her feet flew out from under her, landing on her left arm and back. (Try to picture that!

She was a restrained driver in the back seat.The bulldog clamp was removed from the mammary artery and allowed to run for about a minute. (Very active clamp!)

The patient is confused, but the family states that she has been intermittently confused for some time and particularly about...she has been intermittently, intermittently been increasingly confused over the last 3 months.

(WHO is confused??)Excess debris was removed. (And the necessary debris remained.)He feels just as tired when he goes to bed as when he gets up in the morning.

She complains of no hearing loss. (Well, I don't mind not having a hearing loss.)(Mothers, you will love this one.)

The patient takes care of four children, does not work.He has one brother and two half-female siblings.

JOKES FOR TODAY!!!!

A Real Watch Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!"

The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."



Moses Meets Dubya
George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"



Third Opinion
Three Doctors are dicussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''