ToDAy's JoKEs.....

A Day Off

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

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TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

We put the "k" in "kwality."

If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.

You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to pay you.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

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Public School

A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school.

All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's.

Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did so well?"

The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school.

The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."


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Van Gogh's Relatives

Here are several of Vincent van Gogh's lesser-known relatives...

The grandfather who moved to Yugoslavia --> U. Gogh

The brother who accidentally bleached all his clothes white --> Hue Gogh

The real obnoxious brother -->Please Gogh

The brother who ate prunes -->Gotta Gogh

The uncle who worked at a convenience store --> Stop N. Gogh

His dizzy aunt --> Verti Gogh

The cousin who moved to Illinois --> Chica Gogh

His magician uncle -->Wherediddy Gogh

The cousin who lived in Mexico --> Amee Gogh

and who also had a relative North of the Border --> Grin Gogh

The nephew that drove a stage coach --> Wells Far Gogh

The uncle who was constipated -->Cant Gogh

The aunt who loved ballroom dancing --> Tan Gogh

His ornithologist uncle -->Flamin Gogh

His nephew, the Freudian psychoanalyist --> E. Gogh

His cousin who loved tropical fruits --> Mang Gogh

And he had an aunt who taught the power of positive thinking--> Way To Gogh

His bouncy young nephew --> Poe Gogh

His Disco-loving sister --> Go Gogh

And his niece, who's been traveling the U.S. in a van --> Winnie Bay Gogh

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The Farmer

A farmer in Louisiana One day a farmer in Louisiana was counting his money. He had done pretty well with the cotton crop that fall, so he decided to go to Texas and celebrate.

He got off the bus in Fort Worth, and asked, "Where's a good place to eat?" A man said, "Right down the road is a men's club." The farmer didn't realize they had a swimming pool, a work-out room, indoor squash, and racquetball. He just walked to the restaurant door and said to the waitress, "Lady, bring me a steak and a coke." The waitress brought out a mug that was 12 inches in diameter and 1 1/2 feet tall. The farmer said, "I just wanted a coke, not the whole factory!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas and everything's bigger in Texas."

Soon she came back with his steak, and it hung over all sides of a huge Sizzling platter. He said, "Lady, I just wanted a steak, not the whole cow!" She said, "Mister, this is Texas, and everything's bigger in Texas."

He finally finished his meal and asked the waitress, "Which way to the restroom?" She said, "It's down the hall, third door on the right." The farmer absentmindedly turned into the third door on the left and, with one step, fell into the swimming pool. "Help! Help!"

he screamed. "Don't flush it!"


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